Juggling My Life

The embodiment of how I have been running my life for the past couple of years. It comes in and out, but it is always there—fear. Zig Ziglar said “F.E.A.R. has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise.” I may run at first, but I always come back. It is what makes me who I am, and to help move over obstacles.

“Forget everything and run” sounds like a good option. In the beginning of my high school career I never fit in with the Korean clique, because at the time I could neither write nor talk Korean all to well. It did not help that my best friend at the time was deep into that clique. Like in cliché stories, me and her were opposites personality wise so many people questioned how that worked out in life. I was the out-going, adventurous type and she was the introverted, submissive type. When our second fight, in the seventh year of our friendship, erupted it was traumatizing. I thought that it would pass within days, when one of us would cave and apologize to the other. In the end, I was shut out of her life and cut out. Imagine the chance that appeared when I was offered to move to California, I took it right away. I ran. “Forget everything and run” sounded like a good option at the time, but I regret leaving.

It is not life altering, but it was like an earth-shattering event in my family. I have always looked at my parents as God’s that would defy all the odds of staying together with a long-distance relationship. Separated by states for over a decade, but still stuck together. Imagine my shock, that the parents I thought that were almost a match made in heaven announced their divorce. I have known since middle school, but as a little kid I thought it was a passing thought. The subject has been mentioned over the course of years behind me and my sisters back. I was shocked, very shocked. I left my house for a little over an hour to ‘think.’ On contrary to what I was doing, I just went to Walmart to get ice cream. I could not conjure a single thought; my mind was essentially blank. I was not mad or happy, I was slightly sad but I knew it was coming. Without my mom, I would not be the woman people talk to today. As I returned home, I chose to “face everything and rise.” With a clear mind, a new future, and a life with or without a father.

I made mistakes, I have owned up to some, I am still living. Fear does have two meanings and it depends on how its handle that determines fate. I ran and that did nothing, but make matters worse. Now I rise, I become someone who my family can be proud of, I became a person that I am proud of. I regret many things, but all I can do now is raise my chin and lead a happy life.